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Breaking: Christmas 2014 Is Cancelled!

Christmas IGI

Here’s the Christmas Story That The North Pole Does Not Want You to Read!

No Reason to Rejoice – Information Governance Scrooge Ups Widely Believed to Freeze North Pole Operations

A North Pole Business Insider Exclusive

the npbi snapshot™

  • Christmas 2014 cancelled
  • Big Data & information governance woes to blame
  • Belief in Santa at all-time low
  • Avalanche of mismanaged data reported
  • Key accounts frozen by hacking attacks at critical manufacturing facilities
  • Elvin workforce in open revolt

North Pole Business Insider has exclusively learned that United Christmas Consolidated Corporation (UCCC) has scheduled an emergency press conference for December 24th where it is expected to announce that Christmas 2014 is cancelled.

The shocking announcement is expected to receive a frosty reception from families and retailers alike, although some harried shoppers we spoke to this morning reported experiencing an astonishing sense of relief and deep well-being upon hearing the news.

According to internal documents obtained by NPBI, the cancellation is a result of “wholesale failure of manufacturing and logistics systems as a result of unforeseen exigencies in our Big Data 2020 program.”

Our attempts to speak directly with beleaguered UCCC CEO, Santa, have been unsuccessful.

However, company insiders have revealed exclusively to NPBI that their efforts to become a “data-driven” institution have largely failed, bringing Christmas 2014 to an unceremonious end.

Rumors of large-scale hacking attacks in the company’s frozen data lake have also plagued the company. Executives from The Halloween Industrial Concern, Valentines Conglomerated, Thanksgiving Partners LLC, and other proto-nation-states have been angered by the continuing encroachment of UCCC. In particular, The Halloween Industrial Concern vehemently protested the upcoming distribution by UCCC of a gift depicting a pumpkin head exploding.

It is widely suspected that UCCC email messages recently provided to the media were stolen by disgruntled Christmas crackers working for Halloween. These communications shockingly revealed UCCC executives to be completely normal and flawed people rather than the fictional heroes portrayed by the toys the company manufactures and distributes.

As widely suspected by parents worldwide, internal company documents provided to NPBI reveal that the failed 2013 big data and information governance program resulted in bad children receiving 10,000 Instagram followers and a YouTube production deal, and good children receiving coal. As previously reported – exclusively by NPBI – both the coal lobby and environmental groups have surprisingly found common cause in battling the coal program, which UCCC continued to defend on the basis of “tradition and nostalgia for a time that never really existed.”

This has been a troubled year for the company, with global turmoil arising from its “Disruptortation” division that uses a network of mobile device-enabled contract delivery drivers to replace incumbent government-supported systems. As we reported in October, a senior manager of the Disruptortation division threatened to permanently put one of our reporters who has been fiercely critical of the company on the permanent naughty list. The reporter and her family have been forced to move every few days, to ensure that UCCC will not be able to track her and deliver the rancid egg nog and fetid mincemeat pies that those on the list famously receive.

In a recent AMA (Ask Me Anything) on Reddit, an anonymous member of the UCCC logistics team fought back against accusations that “these supposed IG failures” were in fact a ploy to “extort the world” by “holding the holidays hostage” in hopes of influencing ongoing wage negotiations. The Elvin manager also fielded several questions regarding her stature, skin color, mating habits, and views on the people who were “truly behind” a decade-old terrorist attack on one of the North Pole’s most famous manufacturing towers. A coordinated group of commenters frequently disrupted the AMA by claiming that female elves should not be in the game and toy manufacturing business at all.

Insiders tell NPBI that the company’s information governance program has been chilled by executive jockeying and political resistance. Santa himself has been described as outwardly supportive but bureaucratically resistant, ensuring that the program moves at a glacial pace. Insiders say dreams of “big data sugar plums” have been iced by “almost complete ignorance” of legal, compliance and risk issues, immature corporate governance programs, and outdated technologies.

Reached for comment, Eöl the 117th, Chief Data Officer at UCCC, said, “Big Data allows us to move past the dark days of gut-based decision making and into the era of clear-eyed, data-driven rationality.” When pressed on how he decides which data to include in UCCC’s analytics programs or how he determines that its algorithmic outputs are reliable, Mr. Eöl responded, “Intuition and years of experience.”

In addition, the company’s ill-fated Christmas 2013 initiative to install self-destructing RFID sensors in every gift delivered worldwide resulted in an avalanche of contradictory and confusing data that the firm was ill prepared to tackle. Insiders say that it was never clear if the company had the legal right to collect the data and to transfer it to the North Pole – a legal jurisdiction that does not align with tougher privacy protections found in many jurisdictions, including the European Union.

Critics of the program pointed out that it was also unclear what the company intended to do with the data.

Company spokesman Aegnor, son of Finarfin, claims such data is only used to “to serve our community better, by bringing joy and love to the world.”

Critics do not mince words about UCCC’s well-known motto, “We Put Evil on a Toboggan and Push it to the South Pole,” dismissing the claim as a hoary chestnut.

While UCCC will not confirm reports of a full-scale elf rebellion and attempted coup d’état, Mr. Aegnor did allow that workforce productivity been negatively affected by the company’s efforts to transform itself.

Several of UCCC’s contract workers have been injured in ongoing civil strife over the future of its data center operations. Older manufacturing workers in the Western sector, rallying behind their apparent leader, See Eye Oh, are fiercely opposed to moving core systems to the cloud. The Eastern sector, populated by a younger and more hirsute demographic and dominated by artisanal egg nog shops and Whitmanesque locavore hotspots serving grass-fed reindeer and organic heirloom lingonberries, favors a transition to systems focused on mobility, access, and collaboration.

Mediators from UCCC’s legal department have held high-level talks between the two factions with little progress.

@2014 North Pole Business Insider, not a real thing and certainly not a division of Barclay T. Blair LLC.

Tagged: big data, compliance, E-Discovery, eDiscovery Journal, Information Governance, North Pole, North Pole Business Insider Exclusive, technology, United Christmas Consolidated Corporation

The Emergence of the IG Professional

IG-Professionals

Unlike many buzzwords, however, IG is not old concept dressed up in new clothes—it’s a new way of looking at information management that combines the best of what’s come before with new perspectives and approaches to keeping information secure, accessible and available.

Bryn and Samantha do a great job in the latest issue of Legal Technology News describing the emerging executive role for IG professionals in law firms. Bryn has been working with several law firm clients to proselytize the role of the Chief Information Governance Officer, with some success. I would not be surprised to hear from Bryn about a CIGO being appointed in a law firm in 2015.

Law firms are strange creatures. They are not conventional businesses (some might say they are not businesses at all). They are collections of small businesses, each headed by partner with his or her own ideas about how their fiefdom should run. More law firms are trying to modernize their approach to business management, but the incumbent model is dominant.

This makes it particularly challenging to do “enterprise” things at law firms. It is hard –  harder even than at traditionally managed corporations –  to make anyone do anything. You have the additional challenge that the orthodox impetus for investing in IT –  increased efficiency – is often politely acknowledged but bureaucratically resisted in law firms.

Ironically, law firms are organizations who would benefit most from IG. After all the document is the most common and concrete manifestation of what they do everyday. Documents enter in the form of research, evidence, legal instruments, and they go out in the form of pleadings, memos, briefs, and contracts. Improved management, security, access, workflow –  the bedrock of content management and other disciplines that form the heart of IG – uniquely benefit law firms.

In addition, law firms have much to lose by not paying attention to IG. Law firms are awash in troves of incredibly sensitive and potentially market-shifting data. The bad guys are starting to wake up to this, as are the regulators.

In the wake of this summer’s massive hack attack at several Wall Street institutions, New York State’s top financial regulator convened a meeting with those institutions to talk about the security holes created by their suppliers –  including law firms. In fact, the regulator has requested that the banks provide “any policies and procedures governing relationships with third-party service providers” and has said that banks must describe the process they use to assess the security of those providers.

“It is abundantly clear that, in many respects that a (financial services) firm’s level of cybersecurity is only as good as the cybersecurity of its vendors.”

Benjamin M. Lawsky, New York State financial regulator (as quoted here)

Law firms are called out for special attention, and for good reason. Law firm’s atavistic suspicion of technology must come to an end. When big, powerful clients realize that their gold-plated IG programs have gaping holes skinned only with balsa wood because of poor planning, coordination, and management by their law firm partners, law firms will be in for a shock.

Surely we are all realize that a security breach at Company X does not only affect Company X. The current disaster at Sony which revealed private and sensitive information about hundreds of business partners is a stark reminder of that.

Organizations have little hope of tackling the complex morass of information issues without a central, senior coordinating function.

That is why I believe the only way out of this problem is the Chief Information Governance Officer. That is why the IGI will be focusing heavily on this in 2015 and will be hosting our national Chief Information Governance Officer Summit on May 20-21 2015 in Chicago. Come join us.

 

Tagged: chief information governance officer, CIGO, Information Governance, information technology, law firm

New Post on LinkedIn: An Exclusive $2M Information Governance Success Story

Just published, over on LinkedIn, an exclusive mine case study about how Rio Tinto, one of the world’s largest mining companies, is using Active Navigation to remediate over a petabyte of unstructured content (over a billion files) that’s spread out over 5 continents. So far they have found that at least 40% of it can be thrown away or archived. However, the most interesting part of the story is the deal structure. Rio Tinto and Active Navigation designed a shared risk/reward approach where the vendor only gets paid when it delivers. The money flows when the vendor identifies content that can be deleted or archived to Amazon Web Services. But, it also gets paid when it identifies the good stuff – the content that has true value to the business. In other words, Active Navigation is compensated for generating customer value, whether that value comes from identifying chaff or identifying wheat.

Check it out now.

Tagged: case study, compliance, defensible deletion, Information Governance, Information Governance Initiative, information technology, technology